23 Oct Silencing Self-Doubt

I can’t seem to write worth a damn this this week. That procrastinationitis disease is back, but I’m only now realizing that it’s really just a symptom of a much bigger issue: self-doubt.

Am I good enough? Is my novel good enough? Will anyone want to read it? Do I have what it takes? These are questions that plague me, even if only on a subconscious level. As I get closer to the finish line, the little voice gets louder and louder making me more and more afraid to finish my novel because finishing it means I’ll have to do something with it; I’ll have to allow someone to read it, I’ll have to try to get it published, I’ll have to face my fear of failure (or of success) and get up in front of that firing squad and bite the proverbial bullet. And I so don’t want to eat a bullet, y’all.

So what have I been doing instead? Oh, nothing except everything under the sun to avoid writing those final chapters. Every single word I’ve written in the last 12 months (all 95,300 of them) has led up to this moment and all I can do is stare at a flashing cursor as it taunts me with subliminal messages of inadequacy.

Even still, I’m determined as ever to finish this novel. Even if it takes me longer than I had planned. Even if I have to change my inner dialogue and (temporarily) lower my goal from “becoming an international best-seller slash overnight sensation” to simply just “finishing the novel so that I can say I did it”. Even if I have to continuously remind myself that I’m allowed to write poorly as long as I edit brilliantly. Whatever it takes. I’m going to keep writing, and I’m going to finish this novel.

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be GREATER than your fear of failure.”

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I will.
–B